They Know Me Here
(For thelazystrippers) Alone and besieged by emotion I slide gently into a temple of darkness They know me here Five minutes in I am beset by a holy figure a brunette of pierced steel and wrought ink she slinks across the stage towards me smiling, a g-string pulled aside to show pink skin shaven As I slip the dollar inside we both grin wolfishly Neither one knowing who is the worshiper or the...
Situation in Boston has settled for now. Police have locked down and cordoned off several blocks, investigation is ongoing, all information is being filtered through official channels, and the news media has fixed into their cycle of recycling everything, consulting “experts,” and generally making shit up to fill the wall to wall 24 hour cycle. My mechanism for handling my own sort of...
Drunk Advice from the Drunk
“I Don’t Give Out Much Advice,” he said in capitalized font, “But Here Is A Lesson I Will Share With You, My Friends, Or Whomever You Are; when suffering from the effects of anxiety or depression or the alcoholic infusion that follows the aforementioned, procrastination is your friend.” “Repeat: Procrastination Is Your Friend.” “Because sometimes you...
Dancing with Myself
“I wouldn’t recommend junk food, video games, or rampant masturbation for everyone dealing with depression, but they’ve always worked for me.” ~ Lorthos Not, of course, to disparage other more active or intelligent methods of dealing with depression such as exercise, meditation, positive affirmation, or therapy. All of those are good things. It’s just that when I get...
I am going to invent the next big obscure nerd-thing trend that the other nerd-trends can talk trash about but secretly engage in and then I’m going to make a nerd-load of money (rule of three with hyphens - check). Because first it was Wargamers looking down on RPGers looking down on Magic players looking down on Vampire Masquerade LARPers looking down on all other LARPers looking down on...
The Muse and I
You know, sometimes, just sometimes, I will get home after a night of drinking and find the Muse a wanting. A writhing creature in my brain. But she can’t always tell me what she wants, or how she wants it. And so I must listen to the music, watch her dance there in the lonely spotlight of my brain as she tries desperately to tell me what I should feel. We have a pretty fucked-up...
Dear Walgreens, As a forty-something-year-old young man, I do occasionally find myself fortunate enough to have to still purchase prophylactics from your chain of stores. This act has been the source of much strange embarrassment for men since the very establishment of the pharmacy model in Baghdad in 754AD, when a young man blushingly sidled up to a marble counter, asked for a packet of...
Future Fight The
“I’m not going to worry about the Future, I don’t care what it says to me through time traveling robots or false precognitions delivered in late night television programming or small computer chips implanted in my brain during the war no one remembers. I have the Words and the Music and the Beer, and that is enough to keep me safe. I think.” “Paranoid?” you ask....
Death Rides a Palomino
A slow day at the Palomino, somewhere deep inside of Texas, on a hot afternoon. The girls halfheartedly spiraled listless around the poles. The bikers from Cablallo de hierro, a local “club,” lounged in ruthless lazy fashion about the place, drinking their cerveza and fondling the putas. Even the flies could barely be bothered to stir. At the bar, Destiny slapped down...
Terrible Fan Fiction
Watson surveyed the grisly scene as Holmes lit his pipe and puffed at it thoughtfully. “A terrible thing here, Holmes. What do you make of this?” Watson asked. “Seems simple enough, my man. He was attacked by a wolf, you see. Look at the marks here and here.” Holmes gestured to invisible spots in the carnage. “A wolf about six feet at the shoulder, weighing in excess...
Drunk as Cooter Brown
Now, I don’t know who you are, mysterious Tumblr person, but I can tell you this, if you get drunk in the South someone at some point will tell you that you are “Drunk as Cooter Brown.” And you will wonder, much like myself who was born here, who the hell Cooter Brown was and why is he such a legend and old country folks’ saying? The truth, such as it may be, is possibly...
HAPPPY MARDI GRAS MOTHERBARFBARFBARF UGHBARF GRARF BARF OH GOD PLEASE DON’T LET ME BARFBARFBARFGODBARF AGAIN, SPIT. BARF! (EXTENDED BARFING) I LOVE YOU ALL, TUMBLR PEOPLE. BARF.
Happy Chinese New Year, folks. We now enter the Year of the Snake. I thought he was dead.
Sunday Night Philosophy
“My opponent, if you can call him that, dares to say that reality is a self-constructed shared hallucination of the physical senses. I say to you, friends, that his ideas are the worst trailer-park trash philosophy I’ve ever heard. I cannot believe that this toothless, pencil-necked, scrawny geek calls himself a philosopher. If I had dared to ever postulate that reality is merely an a...
Requiem for a Moon
(AKA: I Think I Might Be Part Galliard And Only 3 Of You Will Get That Joke) There was a moon up in the sky and we danced with it so high It was a goddess made of light and we loved it all through the night And we danced until the morn and our body was so tired and worn For we were the dancing fools that dared to stand among the pools Of her reflected love so bright and we danced on through...
No Friend of the Devil
Lucifer rode past me on a Harley blasting Sympathy for the Devil from big black speakers. How cliche, I thought. He ignored me and I didn’t know if I should be relieved at this oversight or insulted. I threw a rock at him, just to be safe.
Sex When You Are Sick
Oh God! Right there, oh yes! Oh God, I’m gonna (BARF)
A Bard's Tale
the ruffian snarled at me and struck a fighting pose What kind of man are you? he demanded and I replied I am a bard and I fight like I fuck dirty and often by surprise then I hit him in the head with a lute
Up-and-coming mildy-megalomaniacal World Ruler seeks Female Ninja Bodyguard for Personal Security, Infiltration, and Light Assassination duties. Minimum Master’s Degree from accredited Ninja College or equivalent experience required. Will also accept head of most-hated enemy as proof of bona fides. Ideal candidate is physically fit, mentally sharp, and able to pass a background check/drug...
The Adventures of Jack and Eddie: Just a Couple of...
Jack: “Well Eddie, we’re zombies now. Kinda sucks.” Eddie: “Hey at least it can’t get any worse, right?” Me: *throws a Molotov cocktail at them from roof* WHOOSH! Jack: “Fuck you, Eddie.” Sometime later… Eddie: “Hey Jack, we respawned! Pretty cool, huh? And now you’ve got a rusty pipe!” Jack: “Yeah, and if I see the guy...
Penuche Fudge Club
Okay, so this is the recipe for Fudge Club this year. I’ve experimented with various fudge types over the years and decided to stick with one flavor this time, just to make it easy on myself. A few notes on this recipe: 1. It recommends non-stick cooking spray for the pan, but you can easily use butter. In fact, since this stuff sticks to any thing - and I mean anything, non-stick pans...
With a spoon stuck in your mouth and the handle between your teeth, you can only talk in vowels. Your face won’t be here in nine minutes. You take enough sugar and corn syrup and wrap around the tongue of an animal, you can blow off any taste buds in the world. You have to watch the temperature, check the candy thermometer so you catch it in the soft ball stage. This how-to stuff isn’t...
Xmas Jungle Jingle Jingle
I would like to take a minute to thank all of our retail people, most of whom are being put through the grinder right about now in the jungles of rampant and massive consumerism. Retail during the holidays is war, and war is hell, and hell is customers. I did two tours in the ‘Mart for the season and it’s hard to describe the chaos, mental fatigue, and just truly awful people you have...
Mister Grimm went on a murder run He murdered one He murdered a ton And all the while he murdered them He laughed in fun Mister Grimm was just a man He had a plan Like any one can And his plan turned out not worth a damn Mister Grimm had a love Pale skin like a dove Soft like a velvet glove But she was was taken away by The angels above Mister Grimm was sad It made him go bad And the people...
Maurice was different. He wore condoms on his feet. You see, his mother had always told him to wear his rubbers when it rained. He was just a baby when she died, but he remembered that instruction clearly. It was, he felt, one of the only things he had left of her. So on this morning when he woke up to thunder and torrential downpour, he diligently stretched the prepackaged latex tubes over his...
From the journals of Benjamin “Big Cooter” Biggs, redneck and philosopher extraordinaire, during his musings upon the fairer sex: Crazy Redheads. Wow, you gotta look out for these girls, fellas, ‘cause they are by far the craziest of ‘em all. Redheads are so crazy that if your girl even colors her hair red you can guaran-damn-tee that she will go crazy almost immediately....
DORK: A TEXT ADVENTURE
You are in the den of your house. It is night. You can go: S,N You see: a computer You are: bored What do you do?[[MORE]] /drink I don’t see a drink. Perhaps there are drinks at nearby bar? /go to bar I don’t know how to get there from here. Plus you need a shower. /take shower I don’t see a shower. /fuck you Potty mouth! Keep talking like that and I will turn this...
No Fairy Tale, This...
Well, City of Heroes is no more, and I am sad. I was one of the first 100 beta testers ever to play the thing, and I believe it was and still is the best superhero MMORPG ever. But, such is life. Once upon a time, you see, there was a contest held by NCSOFT. A short story contest, to determine who would get their fan fiction printed in the back of the very first issue of the City of Heroes comic...
Please note that this recipe, wherever possible, employs something called “cheating.” The ninja refer to this concept by the more ancient name “efficiency.” Deal with it. Ingredients: Beer Good Music 2 Wick Fowler’s 2 Alarm Chili Kits (see, that’s the “cheating” part I told you about) 3 lbs. ground chuck (coarse ground if you can find it) 1 lbs....
“Cold out there.” he said, “Cold as a polar bear’s butthole. ‘Course, I can only say that from anecdotal evidence. I ain’t got no personal experience to speak of. It figures, though, that if’n you set it on ice for that much of the time, your butthole would have to be pretty damn cold. But I could be wrong.” He sighed deeply and drank more beer....
New World Problems, II
I stepped off the turbo lift into the wide public corridor of the Station, balled my steel mitts into my jacket pockets, and set off for the bar. My swiftly dwindling income meant I lived in the slums. The left over maintenance shafts at the bottom of the financial ladder. I wandered past bums and the homeless, robots with no cause and no hope. Life wasn’t easy for a ‘bot down here,...
I flee the cold burrowing deeply into a tightly woven nest of blankets Warm and drowsy I drift off slowly and of course that’s when I realize I have to pee
The Song of Taco-n-Beer Man
He’s a superhero based on food He’s blowing up a real cool dude He’s Taco-n-Beer Man! Who makes his tacos in a wok? Who eats his tacos ‘round the clock? Taco-n-Beer Man Taco-n-Beer Man Who drinks his beer all night long? Who is drunk as hell by break of dawn? Taco-n-Beer Man Taco-n-Beer Man He’s got powers that will blow your mind they mostly come from his behind...
True Story, Bro
Just curious, when one plays several 80’s rock ballads at the bar, when is the correct time to commit honorable seppuku? During ”Don’t Cry” or ”Something to Believe In?” I only ask for a friend… I once knew a stripper that, around 2:30 in the morning would get fucked up and dance on the main stage to ”Don’t Cry” and I mean really dance, throwing herself full spirit first...
Funny Stuff or Not
I am on the unkempt side of scruffy looking these days, so I understand why some people give me the cautious eye when I’m out in the world, but this was different. I walked into my local ATM kiosk at about 6:30 this morning, and an older gentleman favored me with a rude glare. “Don’t you try any funny stuff, bud,” he said. “What sort of funny stuff?” I asked,...
The Hard Road
The following confession inspired by a friend and her powerful struggle with cupcakes. Hello, my name is Victor, and I am a syrup addict. I started out innocently enough as a child, enabled by a well meaning adult in my family who shall remain nameless, but ate her biscuits with a heavy dose of Karo Dark Corn Syrup. I had a taste, just a taste and was instantly hooked. I experimented with store...
Out And About
I walk the streets tonight, devious of purpose and dangerous of intent. I am ten feet tall and bullet proof, with a dick as big as a Cadillac Escalade and twice as expensive to drive. I am resplendent in my finery and I smell like a French god, all cigarettes and booze and sex. Or maybe, I’m just drunk. Could go either way.
You’re right,” said Colon. “The thing about the captain, see, I read this book...– Guards! Guards! / Terry Pratchett One of the best books I had the pleasure to read, and this might be my favourite quote ever, plus it’s about my favourite character. (via luckyorawesome)